when I don't measure up to much in this life, I'm a treasure in the arms of Christ

Back in March, I received my pre-field training package from OMF. I was bouncing off the walls with excitement and couldn't wait to get started. I read the books and I read most of the packet. But there was one part that I kept putting off. I used school as an excuse, saying I needed to concentrate on my studies lest I fail systems, but school is just a lame excuse to not do anything. In all honesty, I just didn't know if I could write it. I thought about it-- a lot. But I always ran into the same roadblock. I could never reconcile the fact that the one time I most wanted to kill myself was after believing that God loves me, after being discipled for a year, after going on my first mission trip. I know words can never fully convey the magnitude of God's love and grace, but if there is only one point that I want to get across it's that God is more than enough. So here goes.

I grew up going to church because my parents are both Christians. But for most of my life, the Bible was just a collection of stories and God was just some detached deity that punished you if you sinned and rewarded you if you performed some act of kindness. Up until middle school, I was simply indifferent to Christianity. Church was never bad; it was just inconvenient.

During my preteen years, I started to hate Christians. Actually, I really only hated my dad. He was the religious type-- always reading his Bible in plain view, always forcing us to have family worship and prayer time. But he was also always losing his temper. I didn't know much about living a godly life, but I did know that Christians aren't supposed to get that kind of angry that easily. So after all the forced church-going, Bible-reading, song-singing all my dad really did was make me not want to be a Christian. My heart was hardened.

Towards the end of seventh grade, my bitterness expanded to include depression. I was the kind of student that seemed "destined" to succeed in life, but I felt hopeless. I thought of all the plans people were making for my life. They all imagined my future a little differently, but the one point of agreement was that I would be rich. It wasn't that I didn't want to be rich, but when I thought of my future I thought, "I will be rich, but then I will die and it will all be for nothing." To me, life was meaningless.

By the time I entered eighth grade, I was convinced that my life was purposeless. I often dreamt of being in a car crash and being the only one to die. But God had other plans in mind for me. One of my teachers reached out to me, and was just a reliable friend throughout the school year. After some time, I asked her why she'd cared so much. She explained that at the beginning of the year, she'd asked God who she should reach out to and He'd pointed me out. I can't even count the number of times I'd heard or read about God's love before then. But at that moment, for the first time, I began to believe that it was a deeply personal love.

For some time, I was "better." But then at the beginning of senior year, the depression came creeping back--and worse than ever before.  Near the end of January, I got into an argument with my mom that resulted in me storming out the door and running to a nearby lake. Standing at the edge of the dock and gazing up into the night sky, I felt so small and insignificant. But I wanted a reason not to jump. So I prayed. And in the quiet, I sensed God telling me, "I love you. I have a plan for you." God sent his son down to earth from heaven to die for me. It wasn't so I could live a life without meaning.

Becoming a Christian isn't about a eureka moment. Those are only catalysts for an exciting and fulfilling journey with God. It is a constant, refining process. Satan doesn't want us to have faith-- we have to fight for it. My dog, who was also my best friend, died this year. The night I found out was the first time I have wanted to cut in a long time. But I prayed through the night and God delivered me from my old demons. As I learn to rely more heavily on Him, he's been able to mold me into a better person.  By God's grace, I've been able to mend my relationship with my dad. I will never reach perfection, but as long as I can live in such a way that pushes people towards God rather than away from him, life is worthwhile.


Feedback is greatly appreciated.