take you away from that empty apartment

I came home a couple weeks ago for the first time since winter break. My parents had been telling me about how my dog Benjamin was really sick and how the vet said he had "days, weeks, months or years" (most equivocal diagnosis I have ever heard... thanks a lot, doc). Less than a year ago, he would come running down the stairs to greet me when I came home. The last time I was back, he didn't come rushing to my side. Instead I found him lying restlessly in my room. That night I could barely sleep. I just sat up all night and held him, telling him he'd be okay even as I could hear his heart failing him.

So this time I didn't expect him to come running, but I was expecting him to be in my room waiting for me. He wasn't there, so I looked under my parents' bed because that was his second favorite place to be. He wasn't there either. I thought maybe my parents forgot to let him back in after letting him out, so I ran outside to look for him. It was then that a part of me knew he was gone, and yet another part of me didn't want to believe it was true. When I asked my mom about it, she told me that he'd passed away on Monday.

For weeks I've known that this day would soon come, but that doesn't make it any easier. I used to tell people that I've never really had a best friend, but that's not true. It's so cliche, but my dog really was my best friend. The other day I was telling a friend about a part of the past that I'd rather not remember. Benjamin was the only one that was with me through all of it. He was there behind closed doors when I was fighting a losing battle. If dogs could talk, I'm sure he would have reminded me that I was loved and that my only purpose in life was not to get good grades to get a good job to get tons of money, because that is no purpose at all.

If there's only one lesson that I've learned from this, it's to show more appreciation for the people that matter to you. I wish I'd come home more often, especially after the first time my mom told me that Benji was always coming to my room to look for me. I wish I'd played with him more when he was still young and full of life.

So spend time with the people you care about, even if you think you're too busy. Tell them you love them, even if they should already know.

Now that it's over
I just wanna hold [him]
I'd give up all the world to see that little piece of heaven looking back at me
Now that it's over
I just wanna hold [him]
I've gotta live with the choices I made
And I can't live with myself today

RIP Benji 04.05.10