and i relive my days in the middle of the night...

..I struggle with my pain and wrestle with my pride. Sometimes i feel alone and i cry. In this life, I know what I've been, but here in Your arms, I know what I am.

I've never read the book or seen the movie, but I get the feeling that I might be stealing a chapter straight out of Marley and Me. My mind has been a little restless the past few days. And even though I wouldn't get to see him even if he were still alive, I still miss my dog. I've been thinking a lot about him and about all the lessons he taught me. Dogs might not have souls, but they can still teach us lessons that other people fail to communicate. They can still push us closer to God.

Unconditional love is not something that comes easy to most people, if any. Even growing up and hearing about it all the time, it was hard to understand what adults meant when they declared that God loves us unconditionally. It was really just some ambiguous statement that people reminded you of when even they couldn't love you. Looking back, I realized Benjamin showed me just about the closest thing to pure, unconditional love I'll probably ever find on this earth.

When I was a kid, I didn't take care of Benji, even though I'd begged my mom to let my brother and I have him. I wasn't just negligent either, I was actually pretty mean to him. Then when I grew up, I didn't even bother with being hurtful. I just kind of ignored him. And reflecting on this, I can't help but see the parallels between it and my relationship with God. Time and time again I would sin and hurt God. And then at other times I'd just be unbelievably distant and not even acknowledge him. But no matter what state my heart was in, he was always faithful. He always loved me. And always he just wanted me to be with him and enjoy it.

And even now that he's gone, Benji still revealed another depth of God's love that I hadn't experienced before. The night after my mom told me that Benji had left us, I cried myself to sleep. All I wanted was to hold him tight again and let him know that I loved him. But I couldn't. I'd missed one too many chances to do so. That was the first night that I felt like cutting in a long time. It was the first time Benji wasn't there with me, staring at me with those sad eyes and imploring me not to do what he knew I was going to do. But that night, instead of reaching for the razor and trying to take matters into my own hands, I fell to my knees and surrendered to God's love. And for the first time, instead of having blood flow down my arms, I had tears streaming down my face. For the first time in a long time, I allowed myself to really feel instead of just trying to deny all the emotions-- all the sorrow, all the regret, all the self-loathing. It wasn't like that one night suddenly made it all okay. I cried myself to sleep for the next three nights. But when the sun rose again after those first three days, so much more than the sadness, I felt loved.

The past is playing with my head. And failure knocks me down again. I'm reminded of the wrong that I have said and done. The devil just won't let me forget. //In this life, I know what I've been. Here in your arms, I know what I am. I'm forgiven. And I don't have to carry the weight of who I've been 'cause I'm forgiven.// My mistakes are running through my mind and I relive my days in the middle of the night. And I struggle with my pain, wrestle with my pride. Sometimes I feel alone and I cry.//In this life, I know what I've been. Here in your arms, I know what I am. I'm forgiven//  I don't fit in. And I don't feel like I belong anywhere. When I don't measure up to much in this life. I'm a treasure in the arms of Christ. - Sanctus Real.Forgiven