i want to write the soundtrack to your life, and live it with you

I love reading memoirs and autobiographies, just not the ones about famous people or major historical figures. I like reading the stories about obscure individuals, the ones that have lived such rich lives but you never would have guessed because they aren't rich and their names have never been in the headlines. I like them because they remind me of my mom's story, of which I only know a small part. There was once a time when her knees hit the deck of a small, crowded boat and she begged the God she didn't yet know to let her see her sisters and parents once again. Those kinds of stories warm my heart.

But as I read those recollections, I begin to feel a little uneasy because there are few moments in my own life that I remember with such clarity. And it leads me to wonder whether or not I'm living one of those lives-- the kind that is easily forgotten. The weeks have all begun to melt together and they've ceased to be either good or bad. They just are. It's like my life beats to the same drummer, who can strike the drum faster or slower but who always plays the same dull, monotonous note. There is no melody to join in the symphony of life.

There are only two times in my life that I distinctly remember-- my first loves. The first time I fell in love with a boy and the first time I fell in love with God. Those two shouldn't have to happen sequentially, but for me they did. Otherwise, I never would have been able to relate to this song in the way it was meant to be:

You're watching me as I go down,
and walk away from my only joy
I'm taking from this world too much and now I'm letting go
And I'd give anything to hear from You, say my name and I'll be with
You
And I'd give all the world to hear from You, 'cause I am in
love
and I stand in awe of You

Falling in love is a wonderful thing. And the subsequent heartbreak at first was terrible, but there is beauty in the breakdown. I think in many ways that first love served as a catalyst for my relationship with God. Having gone to church literally since I was a fetus, I knew a lot about God but I didn't know God. I didn't know what it meant to love Him. I might be ahead of the curve when it comes to academics, but I knew nothing of love. But then I discovered what it was like to be in love. I learned what it was like to simply delight in just being with someone. To feel peace and joy and contentment by just sitting or walking together. To be free to express so much in words and be understood even without them. That was almost three years ago. Even though I've experienced bouts of immense loneliness, I haven't felt that way about a boy since then. Maybe that's not normal, but I'm thankful for it. I'm thankful that I longed for what I couldn't have. It taught me to long for the One I could have-- the one that is infinitely more satisfying, though I never would have thought that possible. I know a little of heartache and I thank God for that, because it drew me deeper into His heart.

One of my favorite songs lately has been "Little Song" by The Secret Handshake, the chorus of which goes "I wanna write the soundtrack to your life and live it with you." It's just some boy's attempt to woo a girl. He can't actually write the soundtrack to someone else's life. But God can and does write the soundtrack of our lives and He does live it with us.