confused

Growing up, I had some pretty bad arguments with my parents. I was a really angsty teenager. But this past week I had a conversation with them that didn't even involve yelling, but it felt so much worse afterwards than most of our past disagreements. We went out for dinner and I told them that I've been praying about summer missions. They both looked really disappointed, and my dad even told me that he wished I would do something else-- get certified in tennis. I'd understand if my parents were like atheists or something. But I don't understand how they can be Christians and not support missions. I don't know how I'm ever going to tell them that I want to be a long-term missionary. I was able to get over them hating USC when I'd checked the mailbox religiously for a month in expectation of a letter from the pharmacy school. But I don't think I'll ever be at peace with the fact that my parents hate the idea of me being a missionary, even short term.


I know my parents just want what's "best" for me and to be happy. But it's been a long time since they've actually known what makes me happy. Saturday morning cartoons and video games just don't cut it anymore. I want more than just an ephemeral distraction from life's problems. I want something that is worthwhile and lasting. Growing up, we're always told that money can't buy happiness and that it doesn't last. But I wonder how many people actually believe that, because it seems like we're in this lifelong rat race for money and happiness.

This feels like the tenth or so time writing about this. Maybe I'm not trying to convince anyone else. Maybe I just need someone to convince me that what I'm saying is true. That a successful career and a nice house and enough money to travel the world aren't going to make me happy. I often wonder what the modern example of obedience to Jesus' statement "Take nothing for your journey, no staff, no bag, nor bread, nor money; and do not have two tunics" looks like. But after meditating on this verse for some time, I finally began asking myself, "Why should it look any different today than it did back then?" Maybe the world back then was more hospitable. Maybe not. Either way, the disciples had to rely on God's grace day by day for their journey. I have a feeling I'm going to regret saying this, but I want to know what that's like-- to daily be trusting in God to provide everything. In many ways he already does. It was comparably easy to trust that God would give my dad a job, despite his age and despite the job market. But what's it like to be miles away from home, away from everyone you know with nothing but the clothes on your back and still know that God will provide?

I want to know what that's like, but I don't think I have that kind of faith. I don't really even have enough faith right now to become a missionary with a support network, besides God. I'd like to believe that my calling really is to be a long-term missionary. But so many things seem to prove otherwise. I just want my parents to be proud of me. I want them to know that all their parenting did work out, despite all the bumps along the way. But I can't help thinking that they'll be disappointed if I do live this out. I feel like telling them I want to be a missionary is just as bad as telling them I flunked out of pharmacy school (no, i'm nowhere near doing that). So what's a kid to do? I want to honor my parents, but at the same time I don't want the same things they want for me.