Suddenly my heart felt heavy. Some ambiguous thought begged to be expressed, but I found myself at a loss for words. For days I've been trying to string together letters in words and sentences, but it hasn't gotten me anywhere. Last night, listening to my iPod, I finally found the words that came closest to capturing my thoughts.
If weakness is a wound, that no one wants to speak of, then cool is just how far we have to fall./ And I am not immune, I only want to be loved. But I feel safe behind the firewall.// Can I lose my need to impress? If you want the truth, I need to confess/ I'm not alright, I'm broken inside/ I'm broken inside/ And all I go through, it leads me to you/ it leads me to you//
This is actually something that has been on my mind for awhile. In church we always talk about not being of this world. But I can't help but feel that we Christians are the most worldly when it comes to social acceptance. I understand the importance of being a good witness for Christ, but all too often I think we adopt more of a pharasaic personality, rather than a Christ-like one. And I know that's painfully true for me also.
I was that "super Christian" kid in high school, at least on the surface. I was a youth group servant leader, I played on worship team, I went to prayer meetings. But on the inside, I was just another broken and messed up person. For almost 6 years, I struggled with self injury. Actually, that's a lie. To say that I struggled with it would be to say that I actually tried to stop. But for the first four years, it was more of a resigned acquiescence-- or maybe even an addictive escape.
Those couple of years when I actually realized the gravity of my sin were just filled with endless nights tormented by guilt. I knew quite well that I couldn't keep doing it and still be assured of my salvation. But I never felt like I could tell my Christian friends. Sad as it is to say, they would have been the ones that judged me most. So I kept that sin hidden from them.
It wasn't until my junior year of high school that I found a Christian friend that I could actually confess my sins to without the fear of being judged. It was so liberating to not have to keep everything pent up inside anymore. And it's sad that so often this is missing from Christian fellowship. No one ever wants to be the first one to put their heart out on the table. No one wants to admit that their life is a mess. We don't want to admit that we're sinful, all the while forgetting that the beauty of grace is most appreciated against the background of sin. For years the scars were only a painful reminder of just how broken I am. But now when I look at those fading lines, I am comforted by the knowledge that Jesus loved me while I was still a sinner. Of course there are times when I wished I'd never gone through that. I wish I didn't have to be the emo kid that everyone loves to deride. But if it hadn't happened, it probably would have taken me a lot longer to move from simple head knowledge of God's love to intimate heart knowledge.
People always ask me why I rarely go to large social events. A large part of it is that I'm just really awkward. But it's also that I hate being surrounded by people and still feel so alone. It's like we're all islands separated only by the fear of having people see our imperfections. I know I'm not alone in this, though, and that is both sad and comforting.
Burn away the pride and bring me to my weakness/ Until everything I hide behind is gone/ When I'm open wide, with nothing else to cling to/ Only You are there to lead me on// Cause honestly, I'm not that strong...
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