Maybe it's all the dreary weather we've been having or the fact that Jesus Awareness Week is here. Whatever the reasons may be, it seems like the faith of many of my Christian peers has come under fire in the last few weeks. The other day I was eating lunch with a friend and asked if she ever felt like her love for God was not "enough." With palpable grief in her voice, she sighed, "yes..." As we were talking, we shared more of our recent struggles with one another. On the one hand, it was comforting to know that I wasn't alone-- that there was someone that understood what I couldn't properly explain. But on the other, these weren't experiences that I would wish on another person, much less a friend. There is still one statement that weighs heavy on my mind, "I didn't want anyone to think I was crazy or something."
I can't help but feel that all these crises of faith could have been avoided if we weren't so afraid of sharing our struggles with one another. It's tragic how we can be a part of a Christian community and still feel so alone. The church is where we should feel most free to be honest about who we are, but instead it has become the place where we are most pressured to pretend we have everything under control. We only fit in so long as we are filled with the joy of the Spirit. And when we find that we don't have the strength or energy to fake it anymore, we find ourselves adrift and completely void of any sense of belonging. Not soon after becoming isolated from the church, we begin to feel isolated from Christ himself.
I think too many of us-- not all, but a lot-- have been too indoctrinated with the belief that we need to constantly feel close to God to be saved. And the moment we no longer feel His presence, we think we're done for. After all, every great historical Christian figure we hear about never seems to struggle after their "conversion" experience. But that places far too much weight on what we do, as opposed to what Christ has already done. Mother Teresa is one of my favorite persons for this reason: she wasn't afraid to write of the tremendous spiritual darkness and separation from Jesus she faced even as she served as his light in the slums of Calcutta. (Anyone who thinks Catholics can't go to heaven is crazy.)
It's hard to cling to God's promises when we don't feel like we deserve it, even when we know we've never done anything to deserve it and we never could. It's hard to accept his love when you feel like you're not giving him your everything and making him your everything. But I hope that you can find encouragement from the prophet Micah:
"But as for me, I will look to the LORD;
I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me.
Rejoice not over me, O my enemy;
when I fall, I shall rise;
when I sit in darkness, the LORD will be a light to me.
I will bear the indignation of the LORD,
because I have sinned against him,
until he pleads my cause and executes judgment for me
He will bring me out to the light;
I shall look upon his vindication."
The God who sits above as our judge also stands before us as our defender. And though we must endure his discipline for our sin, we know that one day we will again enjoy his favor. Not because of who we are, but because of who he is. We will always fall short, but praise be to God, we are not the ones that have to stand in the gap-- Jesus is.
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