battle

The worst part of this reverse culture shock has probably been these reoccurring moments of loneliness. That's only the primary emotion; it opens the door to a whole gamut of other negative thoughts and emotions. This past week I went on a cruise with my family and it became so painfully clear to me why I feel so alone.

 During one of our team devotions, our leader talked about citizenship. One of the better ways to determine a person's citizenship (without demanding to see their passport) is by taking note of their speech. As Christians, our speech should intimate our heavenly citizenship

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. (Col. 4:7)

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. (Eph. 4:29)

Since coming home, I've felt like a stranger in a foreign land. On the cruise, my family was talking about something and all I could do was wonder what the use of it all was. Why waste time talking about such trivial matters? These problems are so insignificant. There's so much more out there that deserves our attention.

And similar to how I almost said "thank you" in Thai at the Chinese supermarket, I've been wanting to speak differently. But foreboding facial expressions tell me "Don't bother. I'm not interested." "When did you become so spiritual?" One of the worst parts of these exchanges is that I find myself drifting back closer to my old ways-- talking about inconsequential things, wanting what has no value instead of what is invaluable.

People have been asking me how I feel about going back to school. I'm scared and I'm excited. I'm scared of losing focus, of losing sight of what matters. I'm scared of becoming so wrapped up in this world that I forget the countless souls perishing with no hope of true life. At the same time, I'm excited because I know our God is sovereign and his plan is good, pleasing, and perfect. I'm excited because I'm not actually alone. There are people even more enamored with God's glory, even more in tune with his heart for the nations.  I'm excited because even though Satan always threatens to take hold of our hearts, his efforts are in the end wasted. The war is won.


Life's a fight of wrong and right that's tearing me apart
Oh but what the cross has done
Yeah the world will try to battle for my heart
But the war is already won
-Chris August