the almost atheist (pt 1/3)

Since you all know me to be an incessant liar now, I will start by admitting that the title of this post is somewhat misleading. I don't think I have ever been close to being a downright atheist, except for maybe when I was too young to understand what "God" meant. I just thought this title was much catchier than "the almost agnostic." Agnosticism is boring. It's like knowing you have a really rich, and somewhat close relative and never asking for anything. That does not mean that being a Christian is like being a gold digger. Christianity is about being able to petition God because you love Him (and He loves you). It is not about loving God because He gives you lots of good things. The chicken came before the egg. But I digress.

Despite the fact that I might seem deeply religious now (I'm really not), I actually struggled a lot with certain aspects of Christianity and aspects inevitably tied to Christianity, although Christianity itself is not the cause of these things.

Here are my top three reasons for why I did not want to be a Christian, based on experience from my youth:

#3 - Church is boring
Most of the time I don't think this anymore. After all, I go to a church where the pastor shows images like this:

and where the pastor tells us that sex is not just for procreation; it is for passion and pleasure (within marriage). But I still know what it's like to go to a church that seems irrelevant and outdated. After all, I was raised southern baptist. If you can't tell the difference between a Roman Catholic and an Anglican, then just know that baptists are super, ultra, mega conservative. I hated church. Everyone there was old enough to be my grandma or grandpa. I'm not even kidding. I didn't know what the pastor (who happened to be my grandpa) was talking about. None of it made any sense. None of it seemed to matter in life.

#2 - Christians are clique-y.
Anyone that has walked into a church or a fellowship alone knows this. It is very hard, or nearly impossible, to become assimilated into a Christian group. Everyone already knows everyone else (but you). Everyone but you knows the jokes from that last really funny guest speaker. Everyone but you still carries memories of the retreat from last summer.
But I think it is fair to say that people are naturally cliquey-- Christians or not. Everyone just wants to be with people that share similar interests. Commonalities draw people together. That's still not an excuse, though. Christians are called to be different and reach out. I've learned that if you stick around long enough, you eventually find people to be friends with. Most of my closest friends are from fellowship.

#1 - Christians are hypocrites
The biggest one, in my eyes, was in my family-- my dad. He is what you would call religious. One of those crazy Christians. When I was a little kid, I heard Bible stories at bedtime. We had family prayer and worship time. I've heard that is good Christian parenting, but that is under one very false assumption. Save for that half hour or so before going to sleep, I never would have believed that my dad was a Christian. Don't get me wrong. My dad is not a terrible guy. But for all his Bible-reading and hand-folding and knee-bending and hymn-singing, you would think that he is a much better person.
To most people, hypocrisy is about actions. Saying one thing and doing another. To me, it was more about attitude. My dad has a short temper. He gets angry about stupid things. (I do, too.) My dad also sometimes does a lot of favors for people. Most of the time though, he acts like he's carrying this huge chip on his back while doing it. I guess in a way I take his love for granted. But it really bothers me that he is always helping people begrudgingly and obligatorily. There are times when I want to tell him to just quit helping, because no one wants to see his pouting face when no thanks are given and sometimes even when they are.
It is true. Your relationship with your earthly dad affects your relationship with God. I did not want a heavenly Father that loved me because he had to. I wanted a father that loved me, simply because he wanted to.

And an extra reason #0.5 - Christianity is absolutely exclusive.
This is only a half reason because it is only half true. I have heard people say that if only Jesus had said that he was "a way, a truth, and a light" instead of "the way, the truth, and the light," then they would believe. But given the fact that you can be a prostitute, a serial killer, a masochist, a sadist or the worst sinner you can possibly think of, I don't think it is unfair for Jesus say that you have to accept him as your savior to go to heaven. After all, we never did anything to earn salvation. Essentially what happened is God built the bridge for us to be with Him. And we refuse to walk over the bridge. The price has been paid. We didn't have to work or anything. But if you don't use the bridge, how are you going to get to the other side? In a modern analogy, everyone is invited to the party. But no one's going to force you to accept that invitation.